


I Have Enough

by greenbloodedcomputer



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-03-18 06:13:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3559088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenbloodedcomputer/pseuds/greenbloodedcomputer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doctor McCoy struggles with depression and his feelings for a fellow crew member. Rated M for later chapters. Warning: Violence and Angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A single drop of red hit the thin carpet below, soaking into the fabric and creating a tiny, crimson spot. Leonard glared at the mark on the floor, jaw hanging limp, eyes squinted as he struggled to stop the room from spinning. Somehow, through the fog of alcohol and self-hatred, the medical part of his brain kicked in. He needed to stop the bleeding. Another drip. Another. There was a puddle forming on his Starfleet order, muck-brown carpet. He blinked wearily. Was that his blood? He nearly jumped out of his seat as his frost blue eyes made their way over to his arm. The sight was enough to nearly shock the alcohol out of his brain.

His left hand was loosely balled into a fist facing the ceiling and the underside of his arm was exposed to the sweltering air, glistening with the smooth, red substance. It was his blood. He had cut his arm. How had he forgotten? Suddenly, his right hand loosened and he dropped the knife he hadn’t known he was holding. He cut himself. He had cut himself. He…

Leonard choked a moment, just barely stopping the bile in his throat. The room was spinning a million miles a second and he took hold of the wounded arm tightly to stop the bleeding. He was a doctor, damn it, he knew what to do. Blue eyes frantically scanned the room for a towel, but all he could see was an empty bottle of Romulan Ale and a glass that seemed to be mocking him from the table. He tightened his grip.  
Jim had told him not to drink so much. Made him promise. Leonard had given his word, as always, then locked himself away in his quarters for the night. He’d felt so numb. Wound up so tight he thought he would burst. And no number of stolen anti-depressants were going to make him feel any better. But the alcohol…it helped him relax. But it couldn’t help him feel. All he wanted was to feel alive and to know that he was still in there under the layers of disgust and nothingness. He wanted to feel something, anything. So he had taken his grandaddy’s knife and just-

What was he, a melodramatic teenager? He was cutting himself? If he had cut just the wrong place he could have died and then where would he be? Leonard lowered his face to his arm, catching his shoulder on the table to keep from toppling to the ground. He needed to find that artery. He needed to know that he was not going to bleed to death.  
He couldn’t see straight enough. He couldn’t remember which one it was or where it was and, after a few minutes, he couldn’t even remember what he was looking for. The puddle was growing and now his pants and shirt were covered in the hot liquid as well. The room continued to spin and he shoved up three times before he was able to stand, stumbling in his place. Liquid dripped down his face and he wondered vaguely if it was sweat or blood as he noticed for the first time how hot it was. So hot. Hot as Vulcan. Hot as…

No. That green-blooded computer was the reason he was like this. Part of the reason anyhow. There was nothing logical about him drinking, as he was so often reminded. There was nothing logical about his human temper or his southern speech or his scattered thought-process or his unorthodox medical work and nothing he ever did was logical enough for that damn, inhuman, ungrateful…

Suddenly Leonard faltered. His shoulder hit the wall with a crack! and his body shot forward just as the vomit escaped his throat. The bile and alcohol hit the floor and Leonard used his last bit of strength to stumble over it and land on his knees below the comm. Still clutching his arm, he forced one eye open to examine the damage. Through the dim lights he could see that his skin was pale and translucent. His breath was no longer normal and he was losing energy fast. “Sp…Spock…” he stuttered as his head hung down to his chest. 

Leonard pulled together his last bit of strength and stretched a hand above his head until his finger slipped over the white button on the communicator. His head hit the wall just as the chime sounded and he slid to the floor croaking one word. “Spock.”


	2. Chapter 2

He heard the hum of the engines first. At night, when everything was completely still, and everyone in his part of the ship was asleep during gamma shift, Leonard would listen to the engines humming through the walls as the Enterprise drifted through space. It was a sound that he was so used to that he barely realized it was there anymore. It was only when he was alone in his bed, deep in thought, that he could hear the low tones of the motors so many decks below - like the pulse of a great beast. It was because of this sound that he knew he was in his quarters and not in Sickbay where the insistent beeps of the biobed would have drowned it out. 

Whoever had found him should have brought him to Sickbay. He had been crumpled in a pile on the floor covered in blood and whatever idiot found him thought it would be okay to just stick him back in his bed and be on their way. He had to admit that he felt much better. He was no longer drunk, but there was a slight burning in his chest from the vomit. The dull ache in his arm was expected, but he didn’t feel any blood, so he imagined someone must have cleaned him up. But to take medical duties onto themselves? “Damn,  
stupid, irresponsible-“ 

“Doctor?”

Leonard’s mouth snapped shut at the sound of his title. There was someone else in the room with him. That voice. Words like lead that dropped to the pit of his stomach and made his head spin in the same way chocolate mousse was delicious but too much to handle. He could almost taste the bittersweet logic in the air. With some difficulty he opened  
his eyes to see a pale, almost glowing figure sitting at the foot of his bed. 

“Spock.” 

His voice was crackling and his attempts to sit up were failing him immensely. What in God’s name was that damn elf doing here? Leonard could feel the anger boiling up inside of him. He didn’t want to be seen like this. He didn’t want Spock to be the one to see him bloody, drunk, and depressed on the floor of his quarters, pathetic and disgusting. He allowed his eyes, blood-shot red contrasting the blue pools, to drop to the darkness of the floor. 

“I received your call and came as requested,” Spock continued, remaining as calm and collected as he would have if they were chatting over coffee. “You were in need of medical assistance and I assumed you would have been reluctant to go to Sickbay.” Leonard’s eyes shot up to meet Spock’s. As he opened his mouth to snap at the other man about the safety hazards of his actions, Spock continued. “I assume, Doctor, that you would have been embarrassed. You would, of course, have called Sickbay in the first place if you had wished to be there.” Leonard blinked at him. He didn’t remember calling anyone let alone specifically avoiding Sickbay. But Spock was right. He wasn’t sure he could handle it if he had woken up to a disgruntled Chapel and a puppy-dog-eyed Jim while the rest of the medical staff doted on him. 

Leonard looked down at his arm, which was wrapped neatly in bandages. The blood was gone from his hands and his plain black undershirt seemed to be clean and dry which meant Spock had changed his clothing at some point. He groaned loudly and was met with a curiously perked eyebrow. 

“You fixed me up,” he drawled, the slight pounding in his head getting louder by the second. “Why…why did you do that?” After a few moments of silence, Leonard brought his eyes to Spock’s face again. The Vulcan remained unblinking, his reaction never leaving its original, serene expression, but Leonard could feel the tension in the room. Guilt began to eat away at his insides. Something told him Spock was not particularly happy about having to come to his rescue. “You’re mad at me?” he whispered.

“I do not get angry, Doctor,” Spock replied, matter-of-factly. He stood, causing the bed to shift. Leonard’s eyes followed as the Science Officer came to stand by his side. Though Spock remained ever calm, the closer proximity was terrifying and the Doctor tried once more to shift away from him. “However,” he continued, his silk voice making Leonard flinch, “This destructive behavior cannot be tolerated. It is a danger to both you and the crew. If there were a medical emergency-“ 

“If there were a medical emergency M’Benga would be able to take care of it. I’m allowed to drink on my time off.”

Spock waited an eerily long time before responding. This gave Leonard plenty of time to regret opening his mouth. He was the Chief Medical Officer. His main concern was the health and safety of every member of the Enterprise crew, not getting trashed during Gamma shift. 

“And what of your health, Doctor?” 

Leonard sighed. He didn’t want to answer. He didn’t want to say that he didn’t give a shit about his own safety, that he’d be perfectly fine if he slowly disintegrated in a painful blaze of alcohol and fire. But with those stern brown eyes tracing his every feature, he had to say something. “I am fine.” Weak.

“You are not fine. You are ill.” Leonard perked an eyebrow now. Was it possible that there was just a little bit of emotion behind that statement? If he had been feeling his normal self, he would have poked fun at Spock for saying such a thing, but at that moment he felt as though it was the only thing he could hang on to. Even if Spock wasn’t worried about him, pretending he was could at least help ease the pain. But, as seemed to be the trend with the good Doctor, the denial escaped his lips before he could even think about them.  
“Look, Spock, all I did was drink too much. Sorry I bothered you. I can handle myself.” As the words left him, he knew he was in for a scolding. And the illusion of concern was difficult to maintain when Spock’s coolness was seeping through every body movement and word he expelled. 

“This episode was not a bout of irresponsible drinking, Doctor,” the Vulcan said in such a professional tone that Leonard actually growled in frustration. “You injured yourself as a result of psychological and physical neglect. If you continu-“ 

“Alright! Alright!” Leonard waved his hands in the air, ignoring the pain that shot through his left arm. “You don’t have to lecture me on how to take care of myself. I’m a doctor, damn it, I know how to stay healthy.” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared up at his superior officer. 

Spock fell silent for a moment before folding his hands behind his back and saying. “I do not believe you do.” He then turned on his heel and marched toward the door. Leonard stared intently at his bed sheets for desperate fear of his eyes wandering places they were not meant to go. Guilt and anger had his face turned a bright red, but he didn’t have the energy to fight. Not yet. 

He heard the door slide open and then silence. Curiosity got the better of him and he looked up to see Spock standing in the doorway, his eyes definitely softer than before. Leonard felt his face blush a deep red and he shrunk back into his pillow. He opened his mouth to say something, but, for once, could think of nothing to say.  
“Think of Jim,” Spock said, his voice cracking slightly. And after a moment more of blues eyes locked on brown, the Vulcan spun around and exited the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Practiced fingers prodded gently at the underside of his forearm. He hadn’t nicked the artery, but he had been close. If he had gone in from another angle, he wouldn’t have survived the night. Grumbling, Leonard replaced the bandages with new ones, glancing nervously toward his office door. He was there against his better judgment. The doctor in his head told him he should be lying down and gathering strength, but he didn’t want to get caught without the proper supplies. He couldn’t risk calling for help again. So he’d snuck down to Sickbay when he knew there was a good chance the senior staff was on the bridge. He braced himself for a verbal attack by Nurse Chapel, but found Sickbay to be empty and silent. 

The lights in his office were brighter than he remembered and he had to squint to see properly. The cut was deep and nasty. Looks like those surgeon hands don’t work too well when I’m wasted, he thought grimly, wrapping the last of the jagged line in blinding white gauze. He only had a few minutes to gather supplies before he’d be on the floor again. He ripped off the medical tape with his teeth and slapped it over the wound with a hiss. No time for pain now. He ran over to the supply closet and started digging. More bandages? Check. Hypos? Sleep aid, check. Nausea meds, check. Pain reliever, check. 

His hand stopped inches from the bottle’s surface. The secret stash he kept in his office. If he took it, nobody would know it was gone. The last of the Saurian Brandy would be able to get him through the night, though it would absolutely wreck his insides. He snatched the bottle from the shelf and turned to make his escape. 

“Leonard McCoy.” 

Suddenly, he was face to face with one of the most terrifying sites he had ever laid eyes on.

“C-Christine.”

Nurse Chapel was not a dainty woman. Gorgeous, yes, as the moon over Georgia, and build like a brick shithouse. And she was a hard woman to intimidate. She could have probably beaten Leonard in a fight and in his condition she could wrestle him to the floor with one arm. He thought about running, but he knew he wouldn’t make it very far. As a natural reaction, his eyes snapped to the door and in a second she had snatched the bottle of Brandy into one hand and taken his good arm in the other. 

“Sit down…” she commanded, dragging him gently to his office chair and sitting him down. She was just as bright a medical officer as he was and he knew she’d have no trouble seeing something was wrong with him, even without the stocks of medical supplies in his hand. “Leonard, what is wrong with you?” she asked as she fussed over his newly places bandages.

“Don’t touch it!” he hissed at her, pulling his arm away with a small gasp of pain. “I just put the bandages back on! You wanna give me an infection?” Of course, infections were rare to none with the medical equipment they had, and absolutely nothing would have happened if she’d removed the bandage, but he needed to make a distraction. “I had a bit of an accident last night and scraped my arm is all, stop fussing, Christine, sweet Jesus.” He avoided her eyes specifically. Chapel had a way of coaxing life stories out of patients and Leonard did not want to break down. Not here. Not to her.

She grumped, crossing her arms over her chest. He could feel her glaring right through him, like he was a child being scolded for staying out too late. “Leonard you have looked worse and worse over the past few weeks. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but if you don’t shape up I’ll have to file-“  
“I know, Chris,” he said, shifting uncomfortably. “I’m fine just…just tired is all.” His eyes flicked up to the photo on his desk of a small girl with curly brown hair. The familiar sickening pain welled in his stomach again and he quickly looked away. “Look, I’m gonna go back to my quarters to lie down for a while. I’ll take the day off and…be back next Alpha shift.” He knew Spock had already told Jim he’d be out for a while, though he prayed to God he didn’t tell him why. Christine put a hand on his shoulder - a gesture of sympathy. He ignored it and quickly made his way out the door.

Once in the corridor, he couldn’t get the image of Spock out of his mind. That stupid green-blooded goblin was probably doing his work like every other damn officer on the ship, acting as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t found the ship’s Chief Medical Officer lying in a puddle of wasted hope and dreams and blood just hours before. As if he hadn’t felt the doctor’s pain through those insanely delicate fingertips as he bandaged him up, trying not to make contact, not to make a telepathic connection. He pretended none of it happened. Leonard tried not to care. He tried so damn hard, but every time he thought about it he felt like he was fighting back tears. And he hadn’t cried since his daddy died. And he wasn’t going to today. 

And as a last resort, that stupid green elf had told him to think of Jim. Knowing he couldn’t keep Leonard from hurting himself for his own sake, or the sake of the crew, he picked what he thought was the most important thing in his life - his captain. If something were to happen to Leonard, not only would Jim be upset, there would be no one to babysit him. And then where would they be after one more mission gone wrong and no one with the medical know-how to fix him? 

The guilt trip certainly changed the doctor’s mind, at least temporarily, but Leonard couldn’t help but notice for such a smart guy, Spock sure was dumb. He had to be blind not to know. The one thing that could keep Leonard from ever doing anything stupid was one little request. It wasn’t Jim he really wanted to keep happy. It was-

_Bump!_

Leonard suddenly swayed and bumped into the wall, grabbing at the panels to keep him steady. He looked around frantically for help, but the corridor was empty. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. His room was only a two doors down. He could make it if he was careful. 

One step.

If only Spock would show some sign of emotion. Anything to let him know there was a living creature in there.

Two steps.

He pictured those dark brown eyes, staring down at him, lecturing him on his actions. “You are not fine,” he had said. “You are ill.” 

Three steps.

It was a lot easier to imagine the concern in his voice now. Leonard pictured Spock sitting beside him then and speaking softly. “Don’t harm yourself, Leonard. Keep yourself safe.  
For me.”

Four steps.

For him. He’d have done it for him. If he’d only asked.

Five steps. 

Leonard keyed in the code and stumbled through the door, dropping the medical supplies on the floor and immediately falling onto his bed.

If only he’d asked.


	4. Chapter 4

It was impossible to avoid him. 

Leonard hadn’t noticed that over the last few weeks he had gravitated toward Spock, trying to be near him on every mission, making extra trips to the bridge just to see him, starting up even more pointless arguments just for the interaction. Maybe he just hadn’t been able to admit it before, but it was surprising how often he had really put effort into seeing the green-blooded bastard. And now that he was trying to avoid him at all costs, it was proving to be much more difficult than he’d anticipated.

Every time he was called to the bridge, Leonard knew he was going to be stuck in a spiral. Part of him was desperate to see Spock, to see if his greeting was any warmer or to make sure the Vulcan wasn’t ignoring him altogether. Another part of him wanted to stay as far away as possible. He hadn’t felt this way since he’d had a crush on a girl in high school. The thought of it was more shameful than he cared to admit. He didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Bones.” Jim’s voice over the intercom stopped his pacing and he stared, eyebrow up, at the little red box on the wall. After a moment of thought, Leonard darted across Sickbay and hit the button to reply. “Uh..McCoy here.” 

“Bones, why aren’t you up here? We are waiting for you to start the briefing.” 

Leonard blinked at the com and sighed. He couldn’t shirk his responsibilities as CMO because of a stupid crush. He was being beyond ridiculous. “I’ll be right up, Jim,” he said, slamming a fist onto the tiny white button. He would be damned if this stupid situation was his downfall. 

He glanced at his arm which was nearly healed. The incident had taken place four days prior, and Leonard hadn’t seen Spock face to face since. The doctor had almost been able to convince himself that it was a simple mistake he’d made while he was drunk, but the little nagging of logic in the back of his mind constantly reminded him that it wasn’t the case. Spock had been right; the incident was not just a bit too much to drink. The drinking was just a small part of the overall problem that Leonard was determined to avoid. And now he was called to the bridge and he had to sit in that briefing room and stare at that smug green face for an hour knowing that he was judging him so harshly and…

Thinking about it gave him a sinking feeling in his stomach and a familiar bout of nausea was creeping up on him. His heart started to pound faster. Oh no. He darted over to a mirror and looked at himself. What was this? He was covered in sweat, his heart was racing, his breathing was getting more and more shallow, and he felt as though the room was spinning out of control. He threw himself to the nearest work station and started to dig for a hypo that would slow his heart rate. How could this be happening? He hadn’t had a panic attack since…the first time he used a transporter nearly five years ago. 

Leonard stuck the hypo in his arm and grabbed onto the counter tightly with both hands, forcing himself to take deep breaths despite his body’s determination for short frantic ones. In a few seconds, the hypo kicked in, and he was calming down again. This couldn’t be happening. 

Blue eyes blinked at him from inside the mirror, but he didn’t recognize them. How could he be so weak? He was falling apart in every way possible and… When his heart started racing again he shoved those thoughts out of his mind. This was no time for a mental breakdown. He had places to be.

A minute later he was marching down the hall toward the turbo lift. All this business of mental weakness…he was Leonard H fucking McCoy, damn it. It was his responsibility to take care of the ship, not to have people needing to care for him. He was going to nip this thing in the bud before it took over his life. 

And as he turned into the lift with a gruff, “Deck 12,” he realized, with a sinking feeling, that he had sworn he’d do the exact same thing nearly two months ago.  
In the briefing room, Leonard felt a little more at home. Things were all business up there. No one would be able to question him about his recent absence or his arm, which was covered by his long sleeved uniform as opposed to the short sleeved tunic he usually wore. With a polite nod to Scotty and Uhura, he made his way past them to his seat, next to Jim, and across from Spock.

Seeing the green bastard took any comfort that he was clinging to and had it dissipate in an instant. Spock didn’t look up as Leonard entered the room, nor did he address him as he joined the crew at the table. Jim flashed him a charming smile, which Leonard did not return, and they began the briefing. 

Whatever they were talking about, Leonard didn’t give one single shit. Spock was leaning casually in his chair, one arm on his lap, the other on the table, long, delicate fingers twisting a stylus through them. After about two minutes of brooding and keeping his gaze on the table in front of him, those tired, blue eyes were focused on those fingers so intently an anti-matter combustion couldn’t buy his attention. Those fingers were a prize. They were perfect, pristine, and the fastest gateway into Spock’s soul and mind. It just wasn’t fair that the only time they touched him he was passed out on the floor. 

Leonard would be lying if he’d said he didn’t think about everything that had happened that night. Though he wasn’t conscious for any of it, Spock had come in, lifted Leonard off the floor, undressed him, dug through his drawers, found more clothing, washed him down with a towel that Leonard had later found in the bathroom, and then redressed him. If he had been conscious, there would have been no chance of his surviving about a minute of that activity without something horribly embarrassing happened. If it had gone his way, he would have been awake, and Spock would have been more than alright with something embarrassing... 

“Bones!” 

Leonard’s attention was yanked back into the conversation so suddenly that he nearly jumped out of his chair. 

“Are you alright? You look…tired.” 

The doctor shook his head as the shock of Jim’s voice wore off. Glancing around the room he saw Scotty and Uhura looking at him with concern and Spock looking with…a surprising amount of interest. 

“Tired…yea I’m just tired.” He stood up, grumbling to himself. He muttered some words of apology and excused himself from the table without looking back at anyone else.  
Maybe he was just too old for this shit. What the hell was he thinking sitting there fanaticizing about this damn pointy-eared goblin who he didn’t even like? Maybe he was just too old and unstable to be taking care of himself and an entire four-hundred plus crew of reckless Starfleet officers. He stomped through the corridors and back into Sickbay, ignoring the worried, mother-hen stares from Nurse Chapel and locking himself immediately in his office. He sat on the chair with a groan and covered his face in his hands. With a deep breath, he slid low into his seat so his head was touching the back of his chair. He looked over to his desk where the picture of the curly-haired girl sat. Carefully, he picked it up.  
“Oh, Joanna,” he drawled, his voice staying very low. “I’m glad you can’t see your daddy now.” She would have been ashamed of him, if she could even recognize him. Her daddy had always been kind and brave and…all those other dreams babies had of their daddies. All those things she told him when she was young. He snickered at her photo, tears welling up behind his eyes. He would deny it though, every compliment she threw at him, and she’d always argue, saying she knew best and all that. “You sure do, baby girl,” he muttered, putting the picture back down. 

Suddenly, the door slid open and Leonard was more than shocked to see a rather tall, perfect-postured individual in the doorway.

“Spock, what are you doin’ here?” He quickly wiped any remnants of tears from his eyes. How dare he walk in there like nothing was going on? After ignoring him for days and not giving one damn about-

“Doctor, I wish to speak to you about your condition.” Without waiting for an answer, he stepped inside. The door slid shut behind him and he gave a command for it to lock. 

“Now hold on just a minute!” Leonard choked as he jumped from his seat. “You cannot just march in here and take over my office!”

“I have no intention of doing so, Doctor, I just meant to give us a little privacy. Please, sit down.” 

Leonard opened his mouth to argue again, but he noticed that Spock’s posture, though perfect as ever, was not his usual professional stance. He was being polite, as Vulcan’s were trained to be, but his body language was deliberately choreographed to make sure Leonard was comfortable. 

Surprising himself, Leonard sat down behind his desk. Spock took a seat opposite him and crossed one leg over the other. His perfect fingers folded together. Leonard’s stare lingered. 

“I have not had a proper chance to speak to you after our last encounter. It has been difficult due to our recent assignment and your constant effort to avoid me.” 

Leonard’s eyes went wide. Could he just say something like that? Was that allowed? 

“I wasn’t-“

“Please do not attempt to lie to me, Doctor, I am well aware that you have been attempting to stay as far away from me as possible. You have been successful thus far, however I could not help but take notice of you during our meeting.” 

“Take notice of me? You ignored me completely!” Leonard gulped down his anger. He hadn’t wanted to mention that. He wasn’t supposed to care if Spock noticed him or not.  
“That is not true. I was simply attempting to keep the atmosphere in the room as casual as possible so as not to disturb the other members of the crew.”  
Leonard shook his head, ripping his eyes away from his superior officer. In his dreams, Spock had come to him to comfort him and Leonard had spilled his guts, confessed everything and they had held one another and everything ended happily ever after.

Fat fucking chance.

“Listen, Spock, I appreciate the effort, but there’s no need for us to talk. I was just going through a rough patch. I’m fine now.” The exhaustion in his voice was obvious. His usually toned voice was thick and polluted with southern drawl and he cleared his throat harshly when the thought was finished. Spock waited calmly for him to quiet down before starting in on the last lecture Leonard ever wanted to hear.

“Doctor McCoy, you are depressed. You have a severe chemical imbalance in the brain and are dealing with emotional and mental responses that you are not fit to handle. In addition, signs of high anxiety and potential panic have been noted by both Nurse Chapel and myself. Seeing as you have now resolved to self-harm in order to deal with your emotional outbursts, I am declaring you unfit to see to your own health and take the responsibility of your mental well-being into my own hands.”

For a moment, the office was so silent Leonard had thought he’d gone deaf. He blinked at Spock, his jaw slack, eyes sparkling on the verge of tears. This…was not fair. It just wasn’t fair. Spock had no right, no damn right to come into his office and remove him from his medical post. He couldn’t waltz into his life and tell him what to do. He couldn’t tell him what illnesses he had, he was the goddamn doctor, not some fucking green-blooded, inconsiderate, good for nothing, god-ego, son of a bitch.

Leonard felt his face growing hot with anger. He wanted Spock to go. He needed to be alone and…God he couldn’t feel anything but anger and see anything but red with a blur of pale green in his line of vision. He stood suddenly, his legs nearly giving out, hands balled into fists, arms shaking with anger, and let out a strangled sound that he didn’t recognize as being from his own throat. 

“Spock.” He managed to spit the Vulcan’s name, but that’s all that could escape before everything collapsed.

Next thing he knew he was on his knees. His head was suddenly too heavy for him to hold and it hit the side of the desk with a thump! Tears were coming faster and harder than he could ever attempt to stop and sobs were shaking his entire body. He couldn’t catch his breath and he knew that if he kept gasping for air he would hyperventilate before long.  
He didn’t want anyone to see him like this, let alone Spock. He was such a worthless human being. How was he expected to care for an entire ship of over four hundred people when he couldn’t even care for himself? Four hundred men and women depended on him and he let every one of them down. He felt entirely insignificant and tried in vain to bury his face in his knees while his hands made their way to his hair and stuck there, tight fists tugging roughly at his temples. 

And then, somehow, through the haze of self-hatred and nausea, he felt arms surround him. “No...no I can’t stand…” he wailed into his knees, but the arms were not pulling him up. They were embracing him. It took him a moment to realize what was happening, but suddenly he was able to calm down enough to register the situation.  
When his sobbing had quieted and some of the feeling returned to him, Leonard could feel gentle hands tugging away his own. Soft fingers prodded into his temple and cheek and he felt a warm, comfortable, fuzzy feeling overtaking him. In the distance, he knew Spock was messing with his head, and he wanted to be angry, but the feeling of numbness was almost positive, and he hadn’t felt warmth or comfort in a long time. 

Reluctantly, he allowed exhaustion to crash over him like a wave and he leaned into the embrace. His face pressed up against something so cool and soft that he couldn’t imagine anything in the world being so comfortable. After a few seconds, Leonard opened his eyes to see he was leaning against Spock’s neck. His face blushed a deep red, but the embarrassment went away quickly when he realized the Vulcan still had a sturdy grip on him and his fingers were still pressed to Leonard’s psi-points. It was then that he realized, for the first time, that Spock was talking. It was very quiet, almost too quiet for human ears, but the doctor could hear the comforting word rumble throughout the Vulcan’s chest. He relaxed at the sound of Spock’s voice, still unsure of what he was saying, when he suddenly realized - that wasn’t English he was speaking, it was Vulcan.  
_“Ben vahl navun. Ozhika, palik t'kau ri shaht. Sochya eh dif. Sochya. Sochya.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation for Vulcan:  
>  _Ben vahl navun._ \- Grant us success.  
>  _Ozhika, palik t'kau ri shaht_ -Logic, the beginning of wisdom, not the end.  
>  _Sochya eh dif._ \- Peace and long life.  
>  _Sochya_ \- Peace.


	5. Chapter 5

Leonard stared hard at the ceiling in his quarters. Though he’d gone to bed in the middle of beta shift, a specific request made by the captain himself, he hadn’t gotten one minute of sleep and it was nearly time for him to get up for the next day’s alpha shift. There was no way he could calm himself down enough to get any rest, not when he was so bothered by the afternoon’s events and knew what was awaiting him.

After the breakdown in his office, Leonard had managed to gather up the tiny shred of dignity he had left and pull himself from Spock’s embrace. The green-blooded computer, not surprisingly, acted as if the entire incident had never happened and ordered Leonard to report to his quarters at 21:00 the next night so they could begin their mental training. Leonard had no choice but to comply unless he wanted to be thrown in the brig for directly denying orders. 

He had then walked back to his quarters in an exhausted daze, stripped out of his uniform, and climbed into bed. The mesmerizing Vulcan lyric danced through his head over and over again. He had no idea what the words meant, but he couldn’t help but feel comforted by them. For a few seconds, Spock had cared. He had put aside his damn Vulcan strictness, gotten on the floor, and held Leonard and whispered comforting Vulcan things into his ear and god _damn_ it he liked it a lot. 

He thought about the situation again and again, viewing it from every angle possible. As a doctor, he could see exactly what had happened. He’d had a panic attack. He couldn’t breathe, his chest hurt, he began to hyperventilate, his heart was racing…it was probably better that Spock calmed him down than he used medication. It’s always better to try and control it yourself, and he did. Now if he could only figure out why he’d started having panic attacks again, he would be golden.

As an individual, he could finally admit that he had been in denial. There was a problem that needed to be addressed. Though he was having some trouble believing that Spock wanted to take him on as a ward, he knew now that he needed someone’s help. Seeing as his personality and profession never allowed for him to put himself first, it was a good thing his superior officer was the one offering to help.  
He wasn’t sure what sort of mental therapy Spock had been blabbing about, but he figured the elf was going to plop him down on a little rug and teach him to meditate. Seemed like a waste of time, but if it made all the anger and sadness go away it must not be all bad. There were plenty of reason that Leonard did not want to be sitting in Spock’s quarters alone with him late at night, most of which happened to be the same reasons he desperately wanted to be sitting in Spock’s quarters alone with him at night. He constantly had to remind himself that some fucking school-girl crush was never going to be a reality and he had to cut the shit before nine o’clock.

The intercom whistled and a familiar voice chimed from across the room. “Bones?” Leonard sighed and rolled out of bed, trudging across the floor in his underwear, swearing silently. 

“McCoy here.” His voice was rough and cracked.

“Were you asleep?”

Leonard rolled his eyes. “What is it Jim?”

“Bones, I checked in with sickbay just a few moments ago…it’s empty and Chapel says they’ve got everything under control. I want you to go back to bed. Take the day off.” 

Suddenly, he was entirely alert. “The day off? No. No way.”

“Bones, you’re drained. You need to take some time for yourself. Please just…do this for me?” The captain’s voice had lowered to a whisper. He was probably calling from the bridge and here they were making a scene. 

“Fine.” He slammed a fist onto the comm, disconnecting himself from the captain. “God damn it, Jim,” he mumbled as he slid back into bed. 

Now he had to deal with the embarrassment of having a babysitter - first Spock, then Christine, and now Jim. The entire ship was going to think Leonard had gone off the deep end. Just some crazy old man who’s gone weak with age, they’d say. He was worthless. No good at being a doctor if he couldn’t take care of patients. What else was he good for? Nothing. After a few moments of staring at the ceiling he knew there was no way he was going to sleep. A shaking hand reached out to the bedside table and snatched a bottle of red pills. He scooped out a small handful and swallowed them down. That should knock him out. He rolled over, burying his face in a pillow, and silently cried and cursed the ergonomic pillows for being specially designed to let air reach his face. 

A few hours later, Leonard woke up in his dark room. He rolled onto his side groggily and croaked out for the computer to tell him the time. 20:30. He groaned loudly and slid from his covers. His undergarments dropped to the floor and he climbed into the shower. 

How was he going to deal with Spock? The very thought of his commanding officer made him nauseous. He lathered up an unnecessary amount of shampoo and scrubbed it into his hair hard enough that he felt the heat rising from his scalp. If he hid in the shower he could say he felt sick. Spock would understand…but he would just request his presence again the next day. And the next day. And every day until the god damn five year mission was over. Leonard sighed as he let the water push hair down over his face. He couldn’t escape. 

Ten minutes later he was outside of Spock’s door, hair still damp, same grumpy expression on his face. He rang the chime and the door opened immediately to present a very proper looking Vulcan wearing traditional, black Vulcan robes. Leonard’s eyebrow perked up to his hairline. “What’s with the get up?” he asked. He was answered by a step back and an extended hand to invite into the room.

He’d only ever been in Spock’s quarters once before and they were exactly as he had remembered them. They were hot, upwards of ninety degrees Fahrenheit, and the lights were dim. It reminded Leonard of the planet Vulcan. There were even the same shades of red mixed into the room by tapestries and ceremonial statues scattered about the room. 

“Please have a seat, Doctor,” Spock said stoically, waving a hand toward a mat on the floor before an altar. Leonard hesitated, but sat down, crossing his legs Indian style. He watched silently as Spock sat across from him. Leonard had never seen him out of uniform before and something about it was comforting, as if he had a real personality behind that perfect Starfleet record.

“Tonight we are going to attempt to teach you mental discipline. In many instances, this is the most effective tool in rebuilding endurance and stability after a traumatic event.” 

“I haven’t gone through any damn traumatic event!” Leonard spat, his face growing red with frustration. The heat in the room was getting to him now and he could feel little drips of sweat roll down the back of his neck onto his uniform. 

“To repair and prevent damage from anxiety, the same measures are taken. I will help you to build mental barriers so that you are better able to control your emotions.”

“I’m not a damn school girl, Spock!” Leonard wiped some of the sweat from his head. “I’m a grown man, I can control myself.” 

“Evidently not,” Spock answered calmly. 

“God damn it Spock! I can control myself and why is it so damn hot in this room?!”

“Computer,” the level of Spock’s voice remained the same. “Reduce temperature by ten degrees Fahrenheit.” Leonard could feel himself cooling off immediately. 

“You have tried your way, Doctor, and it has failed. If you want to be healthy again, I suggest you allow me to help.” The doctor swore he almost heard a bit of emotion behind those words. A little bit of Vulcan annoyance mixed with a little bit of Vulcan desperation. 

He grumbled to himself and crossed his arms over his chest - a sign that he was giving up and Spock could do whatever he liked. He would be along for the ride, but he wasn’t going to like it.

“Let us begin.” 

If those words didn’t make Leonard’s heart sink right down to his stomach, Spock’s hands reaching toward his face sure did. 

“HEY! Hey, what are you doing?!” Leonard unfolded his arms and rocked back onto his hands to get as far away from Spock without moving. He wasn’t told there was going to be touching involved in this. 

“I am initiating the meld.”

“MELD?! No. No way you are going in my head.” Drugs were one thing, meditation was another, but there was no way Spock was going into his head. He would see every thought Leonard has ever had, all the feelings directed toward him, all the lonely nights and dirty thoughts, all the guilty touches in the dark…

“Doctor, you need my assistance. I am no longer going to tolerate your stalling.”  
Leonard’s voice suddenly changed to a pathetic, pleading tone that he barely recognized.

“Spock…please…no. You can’t. You can’t go into my mind I-“

“Doctor I will not judge you on anything I see there. Vulcan’s are unable to be prejudiced against any individual because of their thoughts or feelings. Now, please allow me to initiate the meld.”

Leonard sighed and leaned forward again. His heart was beating a million miles a minute. He closed his eyes and waited for it to hit him. Spock’s hand landed on his face so gently that, for a moment, he was unsure if it were real or not. For ten of the longest seconds of his life, nothing happened, and then it hit him. There was a presence in his mind, a faint buzzing far off, at first, but it grew stronger. And suddenly Spock was with him in a way he could not describe. 

He was being very polite about the whole ordeal too. He remained in the forefront of Leonard’s consciousness so as not to delve into any of his thoughts. Surprisingly, the doctor knew exactly what Spock could feel or see, but was unable to feel anything of Spock himself. 

_That is because you are unable to reciprocate any telepathic connection_ , Spock said to him. Leonard nearly pulled away for a moment. Spock was able to speak to him through the meld? 

_I am able to do this, Doctor. You are not, as of yet, but there is no need for you to answer me._

Well fine then, he thought, giving a small grunt in response. If Spock was just going to use him for his brain, then let him have it. 

_Are you prepared to begin the exercise?_

Leonard nodded slowly and gasped very quietly as he felt Spock push into his mind. 

And suddenly everything was a runaway train.

Every panicked moment, every hot-blooded argument, every Starfleet report, teeth brushing, shower, meal, conversation with Jim, drink with Scotty, physical examination, masturbation, paperwork, away mission, and chess game flooded into Spock with more power than a tidal wave. Leonard tried to pull back, but had absolutely no knowledge of how to do anything, so he sat there and waited nervously for Spock to communicate with him again. 

Then, without warning, one familiar feeling was pulled to the front. Not voluntarily, by either party, but just by habit. It was the warm feeling Leonard got when Spock paid him attention, no matter how small or insignificant. It was the thrill he got out of brushing against the Vulcan’s arm on the bridge. It was the happiness in his heart when Spock survived an away mission mostly unscathed. It was the overjoyed feeling that Leonard had the past two days when he recalled those Vulcan words being spilled from those perfect lips.

He didn’t think it was possible, but he felt Spock tense up beside him. For one horrible minute, the two of them felt the same emotion, saw the same images of the Vulcan officer. Spock knew how Leonard felt now and there was absolutely no hiding it. 

He wasn’t sure what to do and Spock wasn’t answering or moving. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t seem to work his mouth. The longer the images remained in his head, the hotter his face and neck felt, and the more nauseous he got. Suddenly, without warning, Spock’s hand was gone from his face and his presence was gone from his mind. 

The room was deathly quiet and he realized for the first time that the blood rushing through his ears had sounded like an avalanche. Now that he was alone with his thoughts, his heart was calming down. Carefully, he peeked one eye open and then the other. Through the darkness he could see Spock, eyebrows raised, brown eyes glossy, with a deep green blush on his cheeks. Leonard could throw up at the sight of it. 

“Spock, I’m really sorry. I didn’t-“

“There is no need for apologies, Doctor.” 

He wanted to argue, to tell him that of course there were needs for apologies. He made a Vulcan blush, something he didn’t even know was possible. But Spock’s voice was so broken that all he could do was snap his jaw shut and wait. 

“Look, I should just go…”

“No.” Spock’s hand shot out and grabbed Leonard’s wrist. The doctor froze, his blue eyes wide and locked on Spock’s face looking for any trace of emotion. “I was not expecting to see such things from you, Doctor, but-“

“Leonard.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“My name is Leonard. I think after seeing that you can call me by my name.”  
Spock hesitated for a moment then continued slowly, as if he were having trouble choosing his words. 

“ _Leonard_ , it was unexpected, but there is no reason for you to feel guilt. It is illogical to apologize for something over which you have no control. Your feelings for me are not by choice and instead of trying to change the situation, it is most logical to deal with what we are given.” 

Leonard blinked a few times. What was he saying? Was he suggesting that they roll with it? Was this his way of accepting a sort of proposal? If this was as forward as Spock was going to be about it, then this might be his only chance to act. 

Without another thought, Leonard tugged his arm harshly, pulling Spock forward. In one not-so-graceful movement, he managed to have their lips collide in a very awkward, very uncomfortable kiss.  
Neither of them moved for a while, getting over the shock of what was happening, then, very slowly, Leonard opened his mouth against the Vulcan’s and allowed himself a taste. Spock did not reciprocate, which wasn’t entirely surprising, but Leonard had jumped in too far now, he couldn’t back out. After it was over, he was going to die of embarrassment, so why not go all out before it was over?  
Spock’s lips were warm, unlike the rest of him, and soft, like his neck had been the previous day. They tasted like the Vulcan smelled - a mixture of soap and his own, unique man-scent. He sharply inhaled, allowing his nose to be filled with it before poking his tongue out and gently gliding along Spock’s lower lip. 

After a while, he came out of his trance and realized Spock still had not moved a fraction of an inch, and he reluctantly pulled away. His superior officer was sprawled in the most awkward position, one elbow on the ground, the other arm trapped in Leonard’s grasp, and one knee pointed toward the ceiling. Suddenly mortified with what he’d done, he jumped up, allowing Spock to fall the rest of the way to the ground. He watched him for a moment, desperately wishing for words to form, but when panic started to set in and tears formed, he knew there was no point in trying. Without another word he stepped around the altar and rushed out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

Running was probably the wrong thing to do. 

As soon as he got back into his room, he collapsed in a nearby chair, gasping for breath. He was too old to go sprinting around the ship like that and too old to be kissing his superior officers like a frisky little school boy. Leonard tilted his head back and stared at the dark ceiling of his quarters. I wasn’t as if he could escape Spock. He’d tried for weeks and it hadn’t stopped anything. There was a good chance the goblin would leave him alone for the night though. It was obvious that the doctor was in a very intense emotional state, and Spock didn’t like to be around people when they were in such a condition. On the other hand, the commander seemed to be taking a particular interest in Leonard’s health and mental well-being and his Vulcan concern might drive him right down the hall to check on the poor bastard.   
Leonard sat up. He didn’t want to see Spock. In fact, he was so terrified that Spock was going to come down the hall he wasn’t even taking time to process what had just happened. Instead, he hopped up and began pacing the room. 

He had just kissed Spock. Just imagining that seemed absolutely unreal to him. The feeling of those heated lips still tingled on the doctor’s mouth and a thought passed his mind that he may be the only person in history to have ever kissed the elf. This made him stop dead in his tracks. He was enjoying that thought far too much. He was the only one to touch him like that. For a Vulcan…that was a huge deal wasn’t it? He knew physical connections were nearly sacred to them. A kiss like that…what did that mean for Spock?

The door chime rang. 

“Go away, Spock!” he snarled before he could catch his voice. There was silence for a moment before the calculated response.

“Doctor, it would be wise to speak about this.” His voice remained low to respect their privacy. Leonard would have noticed this detailed if he hadn’t just heard that damned title again. Before he could stop himself, he was across the room and jamming a finger into the door button. As soon as it swung open, he barked into Spock’s face. 

“How dare you come here, you hard-hearted computer?! After what just happened in there, what you saw, and what we just _did_ , you still won’t address me by my goddamn name! I don’t wanna talk to you, Spock. Go back to your room and leave me the hell alone.”

They stared at one another for a moment. Leonard could feel the heat in his face and wasn’t trying to slow his breathing. He was angry and he wanted Spock to know it. He hoped it would scare the devil away, but he knew it wouldn’t. Spock was never intimidated by the doctor and even less so when he was fired up. Instead of leaving, however, which Leonard had assumed he would, Spock stepped past him into the room, still remaining silent. 

“NO. No, get out of my room right now. I don’t want you here damn it, Spock, LEAVE.” 

“You cannot ignore me, Leonard-“

“Like HELL I can’t!”

Spock remained stoical. The door slid shut behind Leonard and he remained still, chest heaving up and down in frustration, face twisted into a nasty scowl. 

“What are you afraid of, Leonard?”

“Afraid of! Nothing! I’m not afraid of anything!”

“Then why are you angry?”

“I’m angry because-“ He stopped suddenly. Why was he angry? Because Spock hadn’t called him by his name? It was annoying, considering they’d just shared a somewhat intimate moment, but that’s not why flames were shooting from his mouth. Why _was_ he angry? 

He was mortified. He had shown how weak he was and he’d revealed feelings to the emotionless man without having any way to protect himself. He was broken and upset and on top of his constant sadness and lack of passion for anything he had to now deal with losing the only person worth caring about.   
With a much softer voice, and a look of shame on his face, he said “I’m angry because I…I’m embarrassed, Spock, I…well you wouldn’t understand. It’s a human thing. We don’t like having our emotions out there for everyone to see. Especially not when we have…certain emotions for certain people and those people see and don’t…respond.”

Spock continued watching him. Leonard’s eyes were glued to the floor, but he burned under Spock’s gaze like a fire and found himself shrinking a little until the Vulcan spoke.

“Of course I understand,” he said, his words as deliberate as ever. “Vulcan emotions are just as strong as human emotions, stronger even. It is humiliating for us to reveal our feelings to someone else. I understand exactly how you feel.” Leonard slowly looked up to meet Spock’s eyes. “And the reason I did not reciprocate,” the Vulcan continued. “Was because I was unsure how.” 

Leonard blinked at him. Unsure how? As in he didn’t know how to react to the situation? Of course not, he was probably confused out of his wits. A sudden expectant eyebrow perk and a little shy tilt of Spock’s head told him differently. He didn’t know how to kiss.

“You mean…you…didn’t know how to physically respond to…what I did?” 

“Correct. I have never experienced that sort of thing and I was unable to reciprocate appropriately. I thought it better to allow you to lead.” 

Leonard blinked at him. “Do you mean to tell me that you didn’t mind me kissing you?”  
Spock’s eyebrow again shot toward his hairline. “On the contrary, Leonard, I have been expecting it for quite some time and had become slightly accustomed to the idea.” 

For a moment, the room was completely silent. It wasn’t the terrifying silence that had occurred before, but just a peaceful one that almost brought relief. Leonard wasn’t sure what to say. He tried desperately to sort out his thoughts before continuing. 

“You seemed so shocked when you saw my thoughts though…” he said weakly. 

“I was not _shocked_. Nor did I seem to be. I believe my exact words were that it was “unexpected”. And it was. I speculated that you had romantic feelings for me by the way you were behaving, but it is much different delving into your personal thoughts first hand.”

He had a point. Even if you really knew a person, it’s very different being inside their head for the first time, or so he imagined. 

“Well, how come you didn’t mention it before?”

“I didn’t think it was very important.”

“Were you afraid of me?”

“No.”

“You ah…said you’ve grown accustomed to the idea?”

“I have. You would make a fine mate.”

“Mate…woah. Hang on their bucko, that’s…a big thing you just said.” 

Mate…he had forgotten that Vulcan’s only take life mates. There was no casual dating scene for them. It did more than a little bit for his ego though, having Spock tell him he could spend the rest of his life with the good doctor. At the very least, he would have expected Spock to go after a woman. Taking a man as a mate is illogical. You can’t make little Vulcans with two daddies. 

“I am merely sharing my opinion with you. I do believe it would be illogical to join with you, but in my past I have been given advice that would suggest otherwise.”

“And what is that?”

“What is right is not always logical.”


	7. Chapter 7

He had never thought he’d hear those words come out of Spock’s mouth. The entire situation was far too bizarre to make any sense and Leonard didn’t know how to respond. 

“Leonard,” Spock continued, approaching him. “I believe you misunderstand Vulcan customs. We are able to feel emotions as humans do…if we allow ourselves to.”

Leonard blinked at him and looked him up and down as he approached. He had an urge to flee, but there was nowhere for him to go. He had to man up and deal with the situation. 

“What I don’t understand,” he answered slowly. “Is _why_ you would allow yourself. Your first duty is to the ship, to Jim, to Starfleet - not to romantic endeavours with crew members.” He waited somewhat patiently as his heart beats became more irregular. 

Spock seemed to consider his words for a long moment before he answered. “I do not call upon my feelings for you, Doctor,” he began. _His feelings for me?_ Leonard’s stomach did a flip. “I simply choose to either repress them or allow them to surface. In this case, I am allowing them to surface because you have shown me that you express similar feelings.”

Leonard’s point still stood. Finding out McCoy had a crush on him wasn’t a good enough reason for Spock to go head over heels and abandon his usual regime. There was some other reason he was breaking his Vulcan code and beginning a relationship. 

“In addition,” Spock continued. “I believe that pursuing this relationship may be beneficial for you. After all, you have been experiencing extremely stressful emotional difficulties.” 

So that was it. It was out of pity. 

“I don’t need your help, Spock,” he said nearly spitting out the first officer’s name. “I don’t need your mercy, I can deal with the problems on my own.”

Spock shook his head as Leonard spoke. “You misunderstand me. I am not sacrificing my usual priorities to ensure your safety, I am using them to my advantage as well as yours.” 

Leonard blinked at him. “I don’t get it.”

Spock sighed. “In a word, Doctor…I care about you. I wish to pursue this.” His features remained unmoving and he showed no outward signs of emotion. Leonard sighed.

“First of all, stop calling me ‘Doctor’. For God’s sake you’re talking about marrying me.” He gulped down the discomfort in his chest left from the word ‘marrying’. “Second…Spock, are you sure about this? I don’t want you to do this for me. I want you to be happy…”

“I assure you I am quite content with the idea, though the situation will take some getting used to.”

Leonard nodded. “Okay so…what do we do now?” He felt a bit of relief now that his secret was out in the open and Spock was not only okay with it but looking forward to it. There couldn’t have been a better outcome, but he still felt anxious. He was embarrassed and unsure of himself. 

“I would like to attempt to reconnect our bond, if you are comfortable enough to try.” Spock stepped a bit closer, hands folded behind his back. Leonard eyed him suspiciously. 

“Like another mind meld? I don’t know if I can do that right now, Spock…”

“No. Not another mind meld. Now that we have expressed a desire to become close, I have a solution to your sensitivity to the meld.” 

The doctor crossed his arms uncomfortably. He had trouble controlling his thoughts and emotions during the meld, that was true. “Why didn’t you try this before?” he asked grumpily. 

“It is far too…intimate,” Spock replied, holding up on hand as if he were going to do a Vulcan salute. 

“Please raise your hand.” 

McCoy hesitates, then raised his hand to shoulder level. Spock reached out, gently, and touched his finger tips to McCoy’s. 

Leonard didn’t understand the gesture. He felt nothing in his mind or body nor did Spock’s expression change in any way. The Vulcan’s eyes remained on their hands for a moment, and his fingers ran gently along Leonard’s in a way that would have tickled had Spock not been so deliberate. Then the Vulcan sighed and his face turned a pale green. He was…blushing.

“Spock?” Leonard’s words came out barely above a whisper. His questioning was answered not by words but by the Vulcan’s eyes meeting his. McCoy gave a wildly questioning look, but Spock did not respond. Instead, he intertwined their fingers and applied slightly more pressure. His face turned a deeper colour of jade. 

McCoy noticed a slight change in his mood now and he realized it was coming from Spock. He had forgotten that Vulcans had touch telepathy. Even when not attempting a meld, touch was very intimate in every way, especially with hands as sensitive as theirs. That would explain why he was suddenly feeling slightly embarrassed and very eager to touch Spock some more.

“Hey there…” he said quietly and Spock pulled back out of his trance-like state. He untwisted their fingers and folded his hands behind his back. 

“If we are to connect mentally,” he said as he regained his composure. “Uniting emotionally prior to a meld will help us accomplish that more easily.” It made sense to Leonard. He was obviously not so keen on letting Spock see into his mind. If they were closer, however, he might be more willing to share. After all, Vulcans never performed mind melds without consent. The participant would have to be willing to make it easy.

“Makes sense,” he grunted in response. “Didn’t your parents touch fingers a lot when they were here?” 

Spock didn’t answer for a moment, then said plainly, “Yes. It is the equivalent to the human act of kissing.” 

Leonard blinked and slowly raised an eyebrow. “So that heavy breathing and blushing you were just doing…that was the result of us kissing?” Spock nodded once. “I’m not gonna stand in the middle of the room and make out with you like some Vulcan teenager, Spock!”

Spock’s mouth twitched up in a brief smile that was gone so quickly it may have been the doctor’s imagination. It seemed almost like the Vulcan was mocking him. “I apologize,” Spock said in a decidedly light-hearted tone. “I was under the impression that you were looking forward to that.” He was definitely being mocked. 

“Hey now,” Leonard said with a grin. “Play nicely, Spock.” He was feeling much better. Still confused, anxious, and damn weren’t all these emotions just sucking the energy out of him, but he was beginning to understand Spock a little better. “So you are suggesting we get closer to one another before trying the mind-meld again?” 

“Correct.”

Leonard considered this. It was everything he’d wanted from the goblin for the better part of three months. Why was he hesitating now? “So like…dating? Sort of?” He knew Vulcans didn’t date casually. They were either bonded mind, body, and soul or they weren’t. 

“I suppose that ‘dating’ could be a comparable human term, yes,” Spock replied still looking mischievous and a tiny bit out of breath. It was amazing how relieved he looked when McCoy hadn’t noticed anything wrong with him in the first place. By computer standards he looked just about ecstatic. 

The doctor stepped toward his superior officer cautiously and stared up into his eyes. “I think I can do that,” he said quietly. He leaned his chin up and, to his surprise, Spock dipped his head down so their faces would meet. Leonard kissed him again and it was worlds different than the first time. They were both much more relaxed and, though the Vulcan was struggling to keep up, he was reciprocating. And damn if that wasn’t just the best feeling in the world. Leonard led, touching either side of Spock’s waist gently and tilting his head a bit. The Vulcan was awkward as anything and it seemed to Leonard that he had no idea what to do with his hands so he broke the kiss with a little chuckle. “We’ll work on that.”


	8. Chapter 8

In the distance he could see the shuttle waiting for the landing party. Thank Christ. Just behind them was a huge…whatever about to pounce on them and eat their flesh and the doctor wasn’t sure he could run much more. It seemed the longer he ran the further away the shuttle would get. “C’mon, Spock, not too much longer!” he shouted over the roars of the beast as he looked back to find his companion. But the commander was not there. Instead he saw the terrifying monster, razor sharp teeth dripping in green blood, and a crumpled figure lying motionless beneath him. “Spock!” The monster reared back on its hind legs and crushed the living daylights out of the Vulcan officer’s body. 

The last thing he remembered before waking up was the uncharacteristic look of fear and pain that marled his love’s face.

Mccoy sat up in bed gasping for air. It took him a moment to realize where he was and that the entire episode hadn’t really occurred. It was just a nightmare. Spock was fine. He quickly looked around the room as if to see his commanding officer, but that was foolish. He was in his bed fast asleep. It was halfway through the gamma shift. 

He groaned and flopped back down on his back. Stupid dreams. The face Spock made at the end always scared him no end. Every time he shut his eyes that was all he could see until he saw the man healthy and happy on the bridge the next morning. That was always somewhat of a relief even though he’d known all along everything had been fine. 

He flipped his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on his black undershirt and some pants. There was no way he was going to get any sleep tonight. Better off strolling. Perhaps he’d stop by sickbay and see what the graveyard shift crew was up to. 

With the harboured feelings for the green devil finally out in the open, McCoy thought that a huge weight would be lifted from his shoulders. Over the past few days, however, he found that was not the case. Now, not only did he have work that he needed to do, but also he had to worry about Spock. When were they going to see one another? What were they going to do when they were together? Did Spock think they were going too quickly? Too slowly? Was he uncomfortable with the whole thing? Was he expecting something else? All of these questions were on Leonard’s mind constantly and his depression and anxiety was still getting worse by the hour. He found it more and more difficult to get out of bed in the morning, because what was the point? He was just going to disappoint himself or have to exert all this effort for nothing. Every time he saw anyone his heart would skip and beat and he would get nervous for Lord knows what reason. 

He turned the corner and who did he see but Spock himself. His heart gave a leap in both happiness and distress. It was great to see him alive and well, and normal as ever floating down the hallways, hands behind his back like some sort of green ghoul, but also he hadn’t prepared for this meeting. What if he looked awful? What if Spock decided to call the whole thing off right then? 

“Good evening, Leonard,” he heard through his thoughts. Spock had stopped in front of him and was looking down. Leonard. He was only ever called that in private, but it cause butterflies to pop up in his stomach every time he heard it. 

“Evenin’ Spock. What’re you doin’ up?” Why did they feel like strangers?

“I was taking a walk down to the Observation Deck. Would you care to join me?”

Where had he been going? Sickbay? Going on a walk with Spock sounded like a much better idea. He nodded slowly and, to his surprise, Spock guided him in the correct direction, not quite holding his hand, but brushing it with his knuckles. Leonard blushed a little and it darkened even more when he caught the other man observing him. He chuckled and then took a breath, smile sliding off his face. It was nerve-wracking being in an undefined relationship with someone who doesn’t show any emotion.   
As if he were could read minds Spock said, “I am quite content with your company, Leonard.” Was he? 

“Oh well…that’s wonderful.” His tired drawl made him sound a little drunk. He appreciated the Vulcan speaking up though. It was beyond difficult trying to tell what he enjoyed and what he was doing because logic dictated. A moment later their fingers were hooked together and McCoy found his knuckles being gently rubbed by Spock’s thumb. Leonard smiled to himself and tightened his grip a little.   
When they arrived at the observation lounge the view was beautiful, as always, but he couldn’t keep his eyes on the stars. Rather, it was much more thrilling for him to observe the other man while he peered out the window. “You never did tell me why you were awake,” Leonard said quietly. Spock didn’t respond for a moment, he just stared out the windows and breathed slowly. It was calming. 

The doctor had almost forgotten the question by the time the other man answered. “I was unable to sleep,” he said simply. McCoy didn’t expect embellishment, but again the Vulcan surprised him. “I found myself filled with emotion and had to meditate. When meditation did not help I decided to walk.”

Leonard wondered what emotion he was filled with and was immediately worried that he something had happened. Before he could express this, however, Spock spoke again. “I am fine now.”

Well that was a relief, but he still wondered what had happened. “Why are you fine now?” he asked with a bit of a strained voice. He couldn’t bear to imagine Spock having a mental breakdown. He didn’t think his brain could handle it. If the one who has his shit together loses it, where does that leave the rest of them? 

“Because I found you.” Leonard blinked at this answer. It was touching, but didn’t make sense to him. “I worry about you. It sometimes keeps me awake. As soon as I saw you were well I was able to relax.” Oh no. Spock was losing sleep over him? That was…ridiculous. 

“But why?”

“Because of what happened last week.”

“You think that is going to happen again?” 

“Perhaps.”

“Well it’s not.” His voice got gruff and he took his hand from Spock’s and folded his arms over his chest. He had more control over himself to let something like that happen again. He’d barely had anything to drink since then anyway. Spock turned to look at him. 

“There is a chance that it can occur again. I will worry no matter what.”

“Why?”

“Because I care about you.” 

The words left Spock’s mouth so easily that Leonard almost missed them. It was lovely to hear, but at the same time he was hit with guilt. He didn’t deserve this wonderful man fussing over him. He wasn’t worth it. He took a step back. 

“Look, Spock, I…I’m not worth all that,” he said, putting his hands up in a sort of defensive position. Spock followed him and also raised his hands, pressing his palms against the doctor’s. 

“You are to me.” How could a cold-blooded, heartless demon be so damned romantic? He probably didn’t even know what these words were doing to him. Spock continued to rub their hands together lightly. One hand even went down to trace the lines on Leonard’s palm with his fingertips. McCoy remembered what this was from their conversation previous. Touching hands was like kissing for Vulcans.

“Are you…kissing me?” The Vulcan nodded ever so slightly and then his fingers started to trail down from Leonard’s palms to his arms and down further until he and Spock were less than a foot apart and his commanding officer was holding him by the waist. His hands landed on the taller man’s shoulders and soon he was being tugged forward and they were connected by the hips. This was closer than they had ever been and Leonard was just about to say that when his mouth was covered with the softest and warmest pair of lips he’d ever felt. His eyes slid shut faster than his brain could register and he was kissing back, opening his mouth against the Vulcan. He did the same and, with some difficulty, but much carefulness, he slipped his tongue into McCoy’s mouth. 

Leonard couldn’t help the moan that escaped his throat. Oh boy. He tasted just as good as he’d imagined. Better. His heart was pounding against his ribcage and he felt his gentle surgeon’s hands sliding up to run through thick black hair. The kiss deepened and Leonard’s body was definitely reacting in the proper manner. A little growl escaped him and he was about to adjust his body against Spock’s when he heard a noise from the doorway. Someone was clearing their throat.

The two broke apart instantly and Spock’s composure suggested nothing about having just been kissing someone with more passion than a Vulcan should ever show. Leonard whirled around to see who was standing there and was faced with the smuggest grin he’d ever seen in his life.


	9. Chapter 9

Now that Kirk knew (and was calmer about it than Leonard would have ever assumed) he felt more comfortable being in Spock’s presence in public. For example, bugging the Vulcan on the bridge, which had always been a favourite pastime of his, was back at the top of his list for activities on a slow day. After getting caught on the Observation Deck however, the two of them had kept their hands (and mouths) to themselves when in the potential presence of other ship members. McCoy was delighted to discover that dating Spock was much less stressful than he’d thought. His superior officer demeanor dropped and he was rather understanding and even kind -- though he was still an emotionless machine most of the time. Their relationship didn’t change much from the way it had been prior except that Spock was still intent on helping Leonard with his mental problems. 

Despite promising to stay away from self-medication, he still was in the habit of drinking late into the night and often snagging various anti-depressants from the sick bay stores. He tried to do this without his green-blooded friend finding out, but the Vulcan had a way of inserting himself in Leonard’s deepest problems recently and he suspected something was wrong. 

“We should attempt to initiate another meld soon,” he told Leonard one night when they were sitting in the doctor’s quarters and speaking about the day’s work. This offhanded comment cause Leonard to drop the playing cards that he was examining (in a game of solitaire, to keep his hands busy and his nerves calm) and his stern eyes to find the Vulcan’s calm ones. 

“I thought we decided that was a bad idea,” he responded, voice tinged with stress. 

“Affirmative, Leonard. It was unwise three weeks ago when we were not yet ready. However, I do believe we are close enough to try the exercise again without any ill side effects coming into play.”

McCoy was less than happy with these words, but he didn’t answer for a moment. Last time they tried, Spock saw everything that he didn’t want out in the open. Now, with them being much closer, what was there really to hide? Not much if anything at all. 

“I can attempt to make the experience more comfortable for you this time.” Spock’s voice broke into his thoughts and the doctor realized he was staring the other man down. 

“Oh…” He wasn’t sure what to say, nor what that offer entailed. “How?”

Spock shifted in his seat, crossing one long leg over the other with an air on nonchalance. “I believe I may have picked up a few methods of comforting you over the past few weeks.” One pointed eyebrow shot high up on his forehead and Leonard couldn’t help but laugh. 

They hadn’t done much by way of romance. Kissed, yes, but not much else. They were, evidently, taking it slowly, and that was fine with him. He was a gentleman, he could go any speed that Spock wanted. He had to keep in mind though that Spock lacked any experience in this field and that he was setting the pace for the whole thing which sometimes proved difficult. 

Spock suddenly stood from his chair, offering a hand to the doctor. “Please, Leonard.” His soft eyes were practically begging him and Leonard found he couldn’t refuse such a solemn looking Vulcan. 

“Fine.” He took the other man’s hand and was surprised to find that Spock was leading him to the bed instead of the floor. Without question, Leonard climbed onto the bed and laid on his right side. He faced Spock who lay opposite him. Both men were propped up on one elbow in a lounging position. Leonard couldn’t help but notice how long and seemingly flexible the Vulcan was. He scolded himself for thinking about that at a time like this and remembered how nervous he was. 

“There is no need to be so disgruntled, Leonard,” Spock reminded him. The doctor allowed his face to relax and even let a little grin creep up onto his mouth. 

“Okay, Darlin’,” he responded quietly as he trailed his free hand up to gently touch Spock’s cheek. Instead of remaining still, as Leonard assumed he would, Spock took his free arm, wound it around the doctor’s tiny waist, and pulled them together so they were pressed against each other for the entire length of their bodies. Leonard’s eyes widened in surprise -- not that this position was bad, not at all, but it was much more intimate than they had ever been. “…Spock?” Weren’t they going to do the mind meld…?

Instead of answering, the Vulcan slid his hand up Leonard’s back, under his arm, and around to cup the back of his neck. Soon their lips were pressed together again and McCoy forgot whatever it was that he was wondering before. 

Kissing Spock was like kissing Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was made of ice and showed no emotion. His lips were soft and careful, his kisses were passionate and slow, and he was a perfect manly figure of unattainableness that Leonard couldn’t help but be proud of and envious of every time they touched. 

It wasn’t until he felt Spock’s arms repositioning that he finally understood the man’s plan. What a devious elf. Soon, the fingers of his right hand were pressed tightly to Leonard’s psy-points. The kiss broke. 

“My mind to your mind,” he breathed as his lips brushed the doctor’s. McCoy could hear that he was a bit out of breath. “My thoughts to your thoughts.” And soon the meld was being initiated. 

This time it was much less awkward. Comforted by the feeling of Spock pressed up against him, arm wrapped around him, hearing his voice inside and out…these things made for an easy transition. His eyes were open, but they saw nothing. Again he felt his thoughts flashing past him as Spock searched for the right ones. 

He found them quickly. The darkness consumed the majority of his mind so Leonard wasn’t surprised when he was able to feel them. Spock pushed lightly and Leonard resisted. 

_You must let me in, K'diwa._

McCoy shuttered, then tried to allow himself to relax in order for Spock to reach the most hated part of himself. And there he found it -- the vicious cycle that the doctor found himself caught in on the worst of days. The tired feeling that coursed throughout his body and mind, the lack of care, lack of passion, lack of motivation to do anything and the hatred toward himself when he felt this way. The notion that nothing really mattered and the tears that were constantly forming in his eyes. This evil shadow that encompassed him nearly every day of his life. 

His heart began to beat quickly and he felt a hand leave his shoulder and land on his chest. 

_Remain calm._

Spock’s voice sounded far away, even inside his head. He wanted to push the Vulcan away. He didn’t give a shit about McCoy. All Leonard was doing anyway was inconveniencing him. This stupid exercise wouldn’t help him. Nothing could help him. He was just a big damn worthless piece of shit. Why was he even allowing this to happen? He just wanted a drink to calm his nerves and then to crawl into his bed alone and never move. 

_You must control these thoughts Leonard._

What was the point? They were true. Some people were just a waste of space and deserved to die. 

Then he felt something different. Something he didn’t think was possible. An unfamiliar feeling, but unmistakably there. It was panic, but not his. It was Spock. 

_Fight them._

His tone was much more stern and strong in Leonard’s mind. 

_You are not worthless. You are not worthless to me. Please understand. You must push these thoughts to the back of your mind and never think of them again._

Leonard knew this was impossible. An affliction such as this didn’t just go away when you told it to. 

_Then pretend. Pretend you have power over it._

He tried. He really did. Hating yourself was exhausting. All the struggle, all the upset…it was too much to deal with on such a deep level for so long. Finally, he gave in and allowed it to overtake him. Devoid of feeling and care, Leonard felt Spock’s presence leaving his head. Soon the two of them were back in his bedroom, lying on the bed, pressed up against one another. Vaguely, Leonard was aware that he was crying, gasping for air, tears streaming down his face. Spock looked calm, if not a little tired, and he pulled the doctor to his chest tightly. Leonard continued to cry. 

“I’m sorry,” he moaned quietly and Spock shook his head. 

“Never apologize.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vulcan translation:  
>  _K'diwa_ \- beloved


	10. Chapter 10

The most recent mind meld did nothing to damage the relationship between Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy. If anything, it helped strengthen it. The two, who seemed inseparable before, were even more so now. Even the Captain took notice. 

“If I split you two up on this away mission are you going to be alright?” he joked one morning as they were headed to the transporter room. 

“We shall manage,” responded Spock who obviously wasn’t sure it was a joke. McCoy simply rolled his eyes. 

“Good,” Jim responded. “Cause you’re going to need your wits about you on this one. Not sure what could possibly go wrong on just a diplomatic mission, but these people aren’t known for their good nature, I’ll put it that way.” Spock took this lecture very seriously. McCoy was more concerned about stepping into the transporter as always. 

But something did go wrong. What happened though was a mystery to the doctor. They had been standing nearby while Jim signed something like a treaty and suddenly there was a huge blast of light, sound, and smoke was filling the building they were in. 

Leonard hit the deck as quickly as possible, but not before being knocked off his feet. Before he could register where he was he noticed Spock was gone. He tried to wave dirt out of his eyes so he could see properly, but to no avail. All he was certain of were the screaming commands of his captain. He had to concentrate on that for the time being and worry about Spock later. 

Easier said than done. 

“Beam us out of here!” Kirk was screaming, presumably into his communicator. He wasn’t sure if there was a response, Jim was too far away to hear. Finally, Leonard stood up, coughing through the white dust that filled the air. He was about to go searching for Kirk when he felt something press to the back of his head and a deep voice command something in an alien language. Oh great. 

He turned slowly to see some sort of phaser pointed directly between his eyes and a great, ugly beast of a man with a nasty expression on his face. Probably some terrorist. Great. McCoy raised his hands in surrender as slowly as possible and sputtered some apologies in English. The creature didn’t seem to understand. But just as quickly as it had started, the threat was over and the creature was on the floor. 

Leonard watched his body as the dead weight dropped to the floor. In his place stood a wonderfully familiar face, stoic as ever. “Thank God for you, Spock,” Leonard said wondering how long that Vulcan nerve pinch was going to last on the alien. 

Spock took him by the arm and started to tug him in some definitive direction which was better than McCoy had come up with. They could barely see through the thick smoke and dust and they didn’t get far before a phaser shot out of the fog hit Spock in the left shoulder and he was down for the count. McCoy turned quickly, drawing his weapon, but someone from their team had taken care of the creature already. 

He immediately dropped to Spock’s side, sick with worry when he saw green seeping through his blue Starfleet Order uniform. “Spock!” He ripped open the officer’s shirt and began to do a preliminary examination. The wound was fairly bad. He flipped open his communicator. “Beam us up damn it!” Some response sounded from the other end, but he didn’t hear. He looked around for some cover to drag them to, but before he could find anything his surroundings started shimmering and soon they were standing in the transporter back on the ship. 

“Get this man to sick bay now!” he shouted and the waiting nurses that were called ran forward to help as McCoy pulled Spock over his shoulder. It was just a minor wound, why couldn’t he walk? “Spock, help me here!” He managed a glance at the Vulcan while they struggled to get him out the door and saw green blood dripping from a rather large gash on his forehead. He was knocked out cold. 

McCoy watched, shocked, as M’Benga and Chapel took the first officer and directed him to sick bay. The door slid shut behind him and Leonard stood uselessly in the transporter room looking after them. 

“Doctor.” He heard Scotty’s voice behind him. “Perhaps you should go too. Yeh look a little scratched up.” McCoy nodded absently and he allowed his feet to shuffle automatically through the halls of the ship all the way to sick bay.


	11. Chapter 11

He wasn’t allowed to see Spock when he first arrived. Chapel sat him on a bio-bed and Leonard watched as most of the landing party was brought in one at a time. The wounds varied from scratches to cracked ribs. Even a few hadn’t made it out of the explosion. Kirk was the last to join them in sick bay. “Where is Spock?” he asked immediately. Leonard eyed Christine as she explained that he was indisposed. After about two hours, Leonard had finally had enough. 

“I’m the CMO here, Christine. You can’t stop me from seeing my own patients!” 

“Right now, Doctor, you are a patient and you are going to sit down on that bed and wait until Dr. M’Benga or I tell you to leave.”

He mumbled at this, glancing at the readings on the biobed. Everything was steady and he had minor cuts and bruises. Why were they keeping him from seeing Spock? 

Finally, after enough whining from him and the captain, the two of them were allowed to see him. Leonard nearly tripped over himself trying to get through the curtain separating the first officer from the rest of sick bay. 

Spock was asleep on the biobed. Bandages were wrapped around his head and his shoulder. His bare chest was covered in scrapes and dark marks. The two men stared down at him in silence. Leonard knew it wasn’t a serious injury and that his Vulcan strength would have him up and running again in no time, but for some reason he felt as though they were surrounding his death bed. 

After a few more moments of silence, he sighed and took a seat. He had been so wound up not being able to see Spock that he’d made himself tired. He leaned an elbow on the arm of the chair and covered his eye with his hand. Suddenly, the lights in sickbay seemed much brighter than normal. 

This was his damn fault. He should have called for someone to beam them up immediately instead of allowing Spock to take control. He was a Vulcan for Christ’s sake, there wasn’t a violent bone in his body. Why was he depending on Spock to fight for him? 

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, Bones,” Jim said suddenly. Leonard glanced up at his friend. 

“Oh what, you’re in my head now too?” He raised an eyebrow. Jim cracked a little smile. 

“No,” he said simply. “I just know you that well. This was a mission gone terribly wrong. All we can do is…notify Starfleet and get the hell out of here. And that’s what we’ve done.” He waited for some response, but Leonard didn’t give him one. Only a halfhearted grunt. 

The two resumed their silence for a bit as Leonard tried to take measured breaths in time to the beeping of the bio-bed. Finally, Jim spoke again. “Can I ask you something? About Spock.” This caught the doctor’s attention and he looked up at the captain again.

“Sure.”

Jim hesitated, as if he weren’t sure how to word his thoughts. He opened his mouth a few times, but nothing came out. 

“Out with it, Jim.”

Kirk took a breath. “Alright. Vulcans. They have a different way of…having relationships, don’t they? I mean, they have to be bonded to their mate for life, right? And now Spock doesn’t have some…Vulcan woman waiting for him. So does that mean you’re…bonded?” 

Leonard found it interesting that Jim was being so careful with him. Usually they’d speak about relationship plainly, like the raunchy military men they were. But this was Spock they were talking about, so perhaps it was something a bit more serious. 

“You mean like…connected in the head? No.” 

“Doesn’t that happen automatically?”

“Automatically…when? We’ve had those Vulcan melding things, but we aren’t hooked permanently.”

“Well I mean…when you have sex. Doesn’t it automatically hook you together? Like a computer.”

“I wouldn’t know.” 

Jim opened his mouth again to continue, but stopped abruptly. “You haven’t…slept together?” Leonard shook his head slowly. It was pounding and he was suddenly so exhausted. “I just assumed. You’ve sort of been seeing each other for a while and well…you’re…”

“A horny old man?”

“…Well, yes.” They both laughed.

“No. It’s different with Spock. You’re right, sex with Vulcans is some god-damn religious experience. I don’t think I’m quite ready to share my head with someone yet.” He looked over at Spock. He looked just as peaceful sleeping as he normally did. Amazing. “At least not 24/7.” 

It would sort of be nice though, he thought. Then they would be able to communicate all the time, regardless of if they were together or not. Would that be annoying? Would they ever get any privacy? Exactly how strong was the bond? All questions he was afraid to ask for more than one reason. Now it might be too late to ask them. He leaned up and touched Spock’s hand which was resting near him on top of the covers. He felt cold, of course. 

“Do you love him, Bones?” 

Damn it. He had to pry into everything, didn’t he?

Leonard nodded slowly. “Yea, I think so.” 

Jim didn’t reply, only smiled a little.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I apologize for the hiatus!
> 
> I have also been writing Spock/McCoy one shots and will be posting them on this account for those who are interested!
> 
> Comments and feedback are so appreciated! Thank you so much!

He didn’t leave the side of the bed all night. After having just confessed something sort of big to Jim (and to himself) he felt like it would be appropriate if he were there when Spock woke up. He had to admit, he felt like a school-girl, but he was giddy that he had finally confirmed that he loved the other man. However, Leonard did not witness Spock when he first awoke. He had nodded off in the chair and was snoozing uncomfortably for quite a while before the Vulcan opened his eyes. 

It took him a few minutes for his eyes to adjust to the dark, but Spock knew immediately where he was by the humming of the ship and the beeping of the bio-bed. He was in Sickbay, apparently in recovering from the mission they had been on. While his memory was failing him at the moment, he managed to recall a diplomatic mission that had been…interrupted. Inconvenient. He at once wondered about the safety of his captain and, of course, his mind went to Leonard. He was only unsure for a moment though before he heard the tiny sounds of snoring from beside him. 

Gently, in order to avoid any pain, Spock rolled his head to the right to allow him to see the slumped over body adorned in a baby blue medical tunic. Leonard was apparently spending the night by his bedside which, he was ashamed to admit, made his heart jump a little. Through the low lights of the sick bay, Spock could see a few scratches and large bruises on the arms and face of the man beside him and he pulled his eyebrows low in concern. Of the two of them it seemed as though Spock were worse off, but human were fragile beings, and Leonard was not as young as some of the other officers. He worried about what injuries he wasn’t seeing on the outside. 

Though they were not bonded, Spock knew they had a strong relationship, and if he were able to touch Leonard he would at least be able to feel if the younger man was alright. So he gingerly reached out his hand and was just able to drag his fingertips lightly over Leonard’s forearm. The calmness of sleep slowly surrounded his mind, but so did the day’s worry and physical pain. He was alright, just a little scraped up. 

The touching seemed to slowly pull the man from his sleep. Leonard opened his eyes with a sad sort of grunt and pushed himself up in his seat. At the site of Spock’s outreached hand, Leonard grabbed on tightly with both of his hands and snapped to attention. “What’s the matter?” he asked, his Southern drawl forefront in his tiredness. “What do you need?” 

Spock raised an eyebrow. It was amazing how quickly he could go from sleep to attention in less than three seconds. And it was also amazing how much emotion the human eyes could portray. “Nothing is wrong, Leonard,” he said quietly, in case of other patients in the room. “Please, remain calm.” 

Spock was the one lying in a medical bed and he was telling Leonard to remain calm? What was wrong with this picture? “I am calm,” he snapped back. “I am just checking. You’re nearly falling out the damn bed trying to get my attention.”

“I am securely stationed on the bed and I was not trying to get your attention.”

“Then what are you trying to do?”

“I was trying to make sure you were not in pain.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

Well…that was actually quite sweet. “I’m fine. You’re the one with a phaser burn right clear through his shoulder.” He stood and grabbed the medical tricorder from the shelf and began scanning Spock’s injuries. They were doing quite well…damn Vulcan recovery. Spock was god damn magical. 

“I assure you, Leonard, I am fine.” 

“I’m the doctor. I’ll tell you if you’re fine.”

A pause.

“Am I fine?”

McCoy scoffed and then gave him a devious look. “You sure as hell are.” Spock’s face turned a little green. “Is that a blush I see there?”

“Negative.”

The doctor chuckled quietly and returned the tricorder to its rightful place. “All you need is some rest. Looks like you’re healing up fine on your own.” He nodded curtly and then pretended to busy himself with Spock’s medical chart.

“Would I be able to continue healing in my own quarters?” Spock suggested. Leonard looked at him with an eyebrow raised so high it would put any Vulcan to shame. 

“You want to leave? I’d rather have you here so I can keep an eye on you.” 

“You can accompany me if you wish.” 

Leonard had to do a double take. Had he just…invited him back to his quarters? That sly devil. Was that Spock’s way of picking him up for the night? It wasn’t as if it were the first night he had spent in the first officer’s quarters, but something about this was different. They weren’t there because Leonard needed help with his illnesses or needed to meditate or…or really for any purpose. It would just be the two of them in each other’s company. Like a real date. Except Spock would be suffering from mild head trauma and internal bleeding.   
“Maybe,” he said shortly before going back to his chart.

Spock waited a bit more, as if he were afraid to bring the subject up, and then asked a question that felt much heavier in the air than it probably should have. 

“Why did you wait by my bed?”

McCoy stopped what he was doing and looked up at the man. The question had put him on the spot, though he didn’t see why it would have. It was simple enough, and had a simple enough answer to boot, but for some reason he was hesitant to say it. 

“I wanted to be there when you woke up.”

“Why?”

“So you wouldn’t be alone.”

“Why?”

“Because I care about you.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with sitting by my bedside.” 

“I…” The doctor couldn’t answer that one. That’s what people did wasn’t it? Sat by their lovers bedside when they were ill? Only, he and Spock weren’t really lovers. They did loving things, like kissed in private, but nothing more. They only talked a lot. “I just was worried about you and sitting near you made me feel better, okay?”

Spock considered this comment for far too long before deciding on an answer. “I am glad you made a decision that was beneficial to you. You took your needs into consideration and acted based on them. That is good.” Ever the one to turn something into a lesson. 

“Yea…whatever.” Leonard looked away again, distracted by the offer to join Spock in his room. Was that still on the table? They had moved away from the topic…

Was he waiting to tell Spock he loved him? Was that the real reason he wanted to be there, to tell him as soon as he woke up? That seemed a little dramatic, but he had been excited about it. Now, facing the stoic man, he wasn’t sure he had the guts to do something that seemed so…big. 

“If you want to go back to your room, you can,” he muttered, still absently looking at the chart. 

“Will you accompany me?”

“If you want me to.”

“Would you like to?”

“Yes, I would like that.” 

“Then we shall return to my quarters.” 

Leonard nodded and put down the chart. If Spock was headed anywhere, he wasn’t going there in his underwear, so he also fetched a set of scrubs and passed them to the man as he struggled to sit up. It was amazing to him that after such a bad blow he was already up and moving around. Spock pulled the shirt over his head and hopped out of the bed to pull his pants on as Leonard marked his release into the computer nearby. A moment later, he had a fully clothed yet barefoot Vulcan waiting near the door for him like a puppy. 

“Okay, let’s go,” he mumbled as he walked past Spock and out the door. The air in the hall was much warmer than sick bay, which always tended to be a little cold and uncomfortable no matter what. Spock puttered along behind him quickly catching up, and then somehow managed to press the lift call for him and stood aside to let him pass. Like a gentleman. “Well…you really know how to treat a man…” he mumbled as he slid into the lift. Spock followed and called the elevator up to their floor. 

As the lift began to move, Leonard threw glances at the other man. Why did things feel so awkward all of the sudden? They had been so great. Suddenly, he was hyper-aware of all his insecurities and flaws. He was messing this up. Why did he say he’d go back to the room? What was he expecting? Did he know? Was he even aware how awkward things were right then? 

And then like word vomit, Leonard delivered the good news in the worst way possible. 

“I told Jim I loved you.”

That was not how you were supposed to tell someone you loved them for the first time. Spock was silent for a few seconds before gently raising his hand and holding onto the control bar. “Stop,” was all he said. The lift stopped. 

Leonard’s heart was now pounding in his ears. What had he done? He should have just kept his mouth shut. He could feel his heart having palpitations. His breathing was increasing. No. No not now. Spock turned to him and he felt something drop into the pit of his stomach. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sound of blood rushing past his ears.

“Leonard?”

He tasted metal. Everything seemed so loud just then. “Yea?” he managed to grunt without vomiting. And then suddenly, a warm pressure on his arm, and he felt much calmer. Things were starting to slow down. 

“Calm down, please,” Spock said in his deep, soothing voice. Leonard took a deep breath and looked up at him. He looked a little silly with a bandage around his head, ears sticking out, black hair overlapping the white cloth. “You told Jim you loved me?” Leonard managed a nod in response. Spock showed no reaction. “I am pleased you are able to share your feelings with another individual. This is a big step. Is Jim someone you can trust?”

Well…that wasn’t what he was expecting. How did his loving Spock become something about Jim? “Uh…yea I guess…” was his response. Spock nodded and made a pleased sound before removing his hand from Leonard’s arm and commanding the lift to continue their journey. 

Not another word was said for several minutes. They exited the elevator, made their way down the hall, entered Spock’s quarters (McCoy didn’t even comment on how hot it was), stripped down to their undies, climbed in bed, and were staying a safe foot and a half apart before either of them spoke. 

It was Leonard who cracked first. 

“You find out something that big and all you can do is ask if Jim is a good confidant?” 

Spock seemed to find this surprising, because he responded, “What did I find out that was big?”

Leonard almost got up right then and walked out the door. “Big…the…I just told you that I loved you.” Suddenly the ‘L’ word was a lot more difficult to get out. 

Spock looked puzzled. “I have known that for a long while,” he stated simply. 

Now it was McCoy’s turn to be confused. “But…I didn’t realize that until I told Jim today. It was a big deal for me.” 

“Then it was good that you were able to identify your own emotions.”

“But…how did you know?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Leonard, I have been inside your head. I have seen myself through your eyes. Of course you are in love with me, as I am with you.” The doctor’s heart jumped a little bit. Spock’s eyebrow shot up even higher. “You seem surprised by this…was I unclear in communicating this? I had assumed my displays of affection were interpreted as such. “

“I just…well…no I just never heard you say that you…”

“Words are often unnecessary in Vulcan relationships.”

“Oh, well see, I’m not Vulcan.”

“Clearly.” 

Leonard couldn’t help the happy little smile that crept up on his face. “So you love me, eh?” He chuckled a little. “Oh…oh no, that’s probably bad news.” 

Spock looked confused yet again. “Bad…in what sense?”

“Just…love leads to long term relationships which lead to marriage which lead to…whatever. I’m just saying if we love each other you’re probably stuck with me for a while.” 

Spock nodded. “That was my intention.” 

Leonard hummed a small response. After a moment more of silence, Spock closed the space between them and scooped the human into his arms, pressing his face up against his chest and petting the tuft of light brown hair that now peeked out from between Spock’s chin and the covers. It was very comfortable in there, though a little warm, but Leonard cuddled close anyway taking special care not to bump any injuries.

His conversation with Jim resonated clearly now. He had wondered what entailed when being bonded to a Vulcan, but had always been too afraid to ask. Now seemed a good time. “Spock, can we talk about…bonding?”

“Telepathic bonding?” 

“Yes.”

“You wish to be my bond mate?”

“I…uh…to be honest I don’t know.”

“What would you like to know?” 

“What’s it like?”

Spock hesitated for a moment, presumably thinking of the best way to tackle a very abstract subject, then spoke carefully. “My mother has described it to me in the best way I believe you understand. When two people bond telepathically, they share feelings and thoughts, mostly at the will of themselves and the other person. It would be comparable to each of us holding one end of a rope. If we were to hold the rope at all times, we would be tethered to one another, but not interfere with the other’s life. However, if need be, one of us would be able to tug on the rope resulting in the other’s attention. Unless, of course, it is an overwhelming experience or reaction, in which case the rope might be pulled without the consent of the one pulling it.” 

Interesting concept, but still a little tough to understand. Leonard shifted a little in the bed. “Okay. That doesn’t sound too bad.” 

“My mother has informed me that it is rather pleasant. In essence, you are never alone unless you want to be. It is quite intimate.” 

That sounded sort of nice. “So…how does it work with…sex?”

“Usually Vulcans do not engage in intercourse without bonding to or having been previously bonded to that person.” 

“Mmm.”

“Why do you ask?”

“I’m just curious.

“You wish to be bonded to me?”

“Well…it…does it work like that for humans?”

“My mother is human.”

“Yes…right. Okay.”

“You are avoiding the question.”

“Yea. I am.”

“Alright.”

Silence for a bit, but not awkward silence. Spock wasn’t pushing him and that was very nice. It was like marriage, but no divorce. Ever. Because you were stuck in a person’s head. And you felt everything they felt. Including…

“When you have sex and you’re bonded do you feel everything your partner is feeling?”

“I do not know. I have never had sexual intercourse.”

“Oh.”

That was a bit shocking initially, but the more he thought about it the more sense it made. Who would he have had sex with? He was supposed to be bonded to T’Pring, but she ditched him for some whore and left Spock all alone. Leonard pressed a little kiss to the base of Spock’s throat. He was lucky, he guessed, because if Spock had already been bonded to T’Pring he would never get the opportunity to be with him. In fact, if something should happen on their next mission like they end up are attacked by a bunch of mutated kids or some planet is being run by a computer who brain washes every one, and Spock ends up seriously injured or worse, Leonard would end up losing him for good. And he didn’t like the sound of that. 

“Spock?”

“Yes, Leonard.”

“I want to be bonded to you.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There is consensual, male/male loving-making in semi-graphic detail described in this chapter.

There was silence for a long time. Leonard had assumed Spock had wanted to hear that he was ready to create a bond, seeing as he kept asking over and over. Now it seemed as though the other man was carefully considering his words, as if he was unsure of their meaning. Leonard waited, happy to be embraced and relaxed, which was a rare occurrence. 

The silence became uncomfortable after a few minutes and Leonard began to lose confidence. They would be sharing a brain. So all the dark and messed up stuff in his head would then be shared with Spock. What person in their right mind would hook themselves to an over-emotional, depressed, illogical…

“Right now?”

Spock abruptly put an end to these thoughts with those two words. Right now? Well…that was fast. Wasn’t there a ceremony or something? Didn’t they have to make a day of it? Wear their dress uniforms? Stand in front of the Vulcan Council or something? 

“It…it can happen right now?”

“Yes, it is very similar to previous mind melds we have engaged in.”

“I thought there was some marriage ceremony.”  
Spock paused for a moment more. 

“You are thinking of the _koon-ut-kal-if-fee_ which does not apply to our situation. That ceremony would only be necessary if I were going through _pon farr_ , which I am not. We can initiate the bond at any time.”

Leonard’s heart started to beat faster. Suddenly, everything was much more real. They were going to do this right now then? All of the sudden they were just going to bond and that was it? It seemed almost anti-climactic (which was sort of the whole Vulcan lifestyle, wasn’t it?) for such a huge deal as sharing your god damned brain with someone. 

“Well,” the doctor started calmly. “I haven’t asked you how you felt about this. Do you want to be bonded to me?”

Spock shifted a little in the bed and moved his leg so it was in between the smaller man’s thighs. “I do desire to be your mate,” he said simply, giving the doctor a little squeeze. “I suppose you could consider this to be the _koon-ut-so'lik_ , as unconventional as this may be.” 

“The koo-koo what?”

“ _Koon-ut-so'lik_ is the Vulcan ritual of asking the permission to mate…in human terms, Leonard, I am proposing marriage to you.” 

“Well…I’m an old-fashioned guy, Spock, if you want me to marry you you’re going to have to do a little bit better than that.”

He chuckled to himself, but immediately stopped when he felt Spock begin to pull away. 

“Hey…hey now, I was just joking.” 

But the Vulcan only pulled away enough that he could look down into the doctor’s eyes. He placed a hand on either side of his neck and gently trailed his thumbs over the older man’s jawline. “Leonard McCoy?”

McCoy gulped. “Yea?”

“Will you do me the honour of being my husband?”

Leonard nearly melted right then and there. God damn Vulcan being all damn romantic. He had always thought that, after Jocelyn, he’d never want to get himself into that marriage situation again, but looking that that slightly raised eyebrow awaiting his response, he felt himself answering before even being able to clear his head. 

“Yes. Of course.”

Spock didn’t respond, but instead allowed his hands to travel forward onto Leonard’s face, placing long, steady fingers on his psy-points as they had done so many times in the past. 

Oh shit this was happening now. 

Leonard shut his eyes to brace himself for what he thought would surely be the most intense moment of his life, only to find the feeling was rather familiar. There were some warm fuzzies in the back of his mind, a little buzzing of Spock’s thoughts like normal, and suddenly a great calmness. It threw him off balance, seeing as he was nearly always anxious and emotional, and it took him a minute to realize just what the calm presence was. 

It was Spock taking up permanent residence in his brain. Like he had picked up all his bags and just moved in. Leonard took note that he was now able to feel what the Vulcan was feeling which was much more happiness than he was letting off. He could also tell that Spock knew what he was feeling, because Spock was thinking about the sensations. Without words being clear, or anything being dictated, Leonard could completely understand both of their thoughts, feelings, emotions…everything and anything that could never be expressed before. It was like a mind-meld, only much more intimate, and nothing was uncomfortable. Unlike their usual telepathic interactions, Spock was not speaking directly to him through his head. It was more like everything was already understood. 

He sighed audibly, and Leonard thought he heard Spock laugh…but not out loud. He was inwardly amused at the human’s actions. “This is…amazing,” he finally managed to whisper. Spock replied with a quiet ‘mhm’ and they resumed prodding into one another’s consciousnesses until it was clear they were so tightly intertwined there was no longer a divide. 

A moment later, he couldn’t help it, he was feeling Spock up and down, running his hands over the other man’s ribcage, the wound on his shoulder (which he felt a slight pain from as he touched it) and around the curve of his back. He was aware of the contact in two ways: his own hands felt it and so did his mind…in the way that his brain was normal aware of a part of his body being touched, but the actual body part wasn’t. It was an amazing and unbelievable sensation. 

“That’s…that’s it. We are together.”

“Yes, Leonard, we are one now. Bonded mates. Forever.”

“Your parents are gonna be so pissed.”

He shook a little with laughter and then pressed a kiss to his mate’s mouth. He immediately felt a spark light up inside the Vulcan and pressed another one after it. 

“It would be appropriate to mate now,” Spock said quietly. 

Leonard chuckled again. “You really are bad at this seduction thing,” he said with a grin. 

“If you wish to refrain…”

“Now, honey, you know I don’t wish to refrain from anything.”

“I know.”

Leonard was quickly reminded that Spock had never done anything like this before. His motions were careful, but obviously inexperienced, and the doctor made a quick decision as to who would play which role in this whole thing. 

“Now listen to me, I’m your doctor, so we’re gonna do this my way, okay?” Spock nodded in response. “Go get the medi-kit, there’s lube in there, we’ll use that.” Spock obeyed, but he felt something uncomfortable as the Vulcan rolled off the bed. “For me,” he added for clarification. He peeled off his underpants and tossed them out of the bed. Spock returned and looked at him expectantly. “We’re gonna learn how to properly prepare for this, alright?” The Vulcan nodded again, apparently a bit nervous with the whole ordeal. It was amazing the amount of emotion Spock carried inside and managed to conceal so well. 

“Grab some pillows. You wanna face me? Or have me face away?”

“I would like to see you.”

Leonard arranged himself so his hips were propped up by pillows, but he was still on his back. He spread his legs. Having never been naked in such an inappropriate fashion in front of Spock before usually would have bothered him, but his insecurities were pushed away by the overwhelming affection that was radiating from his mate’s consciousness. 

“Put some of that on your hand. More. More. You can never have enough. Now…gently go ahead and just sort of push in.” Spock used his free hand to hold on to Leonard’s leg and steady him while his dominant hand ventured down toward the other man’s privates. 

“Yup just…go ahead and-- oh. Ugh…”

“Is something wrong?”

“No…nothing wrong. You can do more. Ugh. More. Mmm. More. Go in and out a bit. Uhh…yes…” His eyes were closed and his head was spinning. God it had been a long time since someone had done this to him. How long had they been on this ship? At least two years. It felt so good. He spread his legs a bit wider. “I must look like a god damn whore…” he muttered.

“You look beautiful.”

Leonard blushed and groaned again. “You can add another. Just go slowly.” Spock was extremely good at following directions -- either that or he had researched this beforehand. A small poke in his mind suggested to the doctor that he may have looked up a few things prior to this and he smirked. “Go a little harder.” Spock had two fingers inside him now and was pumping at a decent speed. The tightness was affecting the sensitivity of his Vulcan hands and Leonard could clearly feel his mate’s mind being clouded with lust as well. Without being instructed, Spock slid his free hand up the doctor’s thigh and over his now hard cock which was leaking onto his stomach. He squeezed lightly and began rubbing up and down. 

“Uh…shit…”

A question popped up in his mind and Leonard responded quickly. “No, no…don’t stop. It…sometimes when humans are really aroused or something feels good we…fuck…say curse words…” Spock perked one eyebrow in a decidedly proud reaction and proceeded to stroke his partner a bit harder. Leonard moaned in response. 

“If you keep that up, I’m not going to last long.” 

Apparently, that’s exactly what the Vulcan wanted, because he began matching the strokes of his left hand with the movements of his right hand and after a rather squirmy and noisy minute or two Leonard was grabbing onto the covers with all his might and coming all over his stomach. 

Spock stopped his ministrations and sat quietly, awaiting direction from Leonard who was trying to catch his breath. “S-sorry…” he panted. “That was great though…good job. You sure you’ve never done that before?”

“Affirmative.”

“Well…okay. Come here.” He held his arms out and soon Spock was hovering over him. “You go ahead and position me however is convenient. I think I’m ready so just go ahead and…well…stick it in.” Spock perked an eyebrow, but did as he was told. He pushed Leonard’s knees up so they were on either side of him, aligned his cock with the other man’s now well prepared hole and pushed in gingerly. 

“Shit.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yes! Fine…just a lot…keep going.”

Though he wasn’t showing much outward emotion, Leonard could feel that Spock was almost overwhelmed with the sensation. He pushed in slowly until he was completely filling the smaller man, and then he waited for a moment in order to regroup. Leonard didn’t push him. They waited for maybe thirty seconds, and then Spock began to thrust gently in and out.

Leonard had had sex with several people throughout his life, including several men. Anal sex was nothing new for him, but this was something much different. He was hyper-aware of every little movement, every emotion, every physical feeling from him or his partner. Right away he couldn’t breathe. Small moans escaped his throat with every thrust. He didn’t need to speak…Spock knew exactly what he wanted. The two held on tightly to one another and within two minutes of the initial penetration the Vulcan was fucking Leonard into the bed with greater strength than any human could. 

Each movement, each breath was so overwhelming that after just a minute or so Spock’s breath hitched violently and he was coming inside of his mate with a low growl. He continued to pump in and out until there was nothing left and then the two men collapsed onto the bed. 

It took longer to collect themselves than Leonard thought it would, but they were in no rush, and the euphoria they were sharing bounced across the bond and between the two of them long after they were finished. They both remained still, covered in sweat and cum, taking deep breaths, until finally Spock removed himself.

At first, Leonard didn’t even notice he had made his way to the bathroom. It felt as if he were still there with him and without even asking he knew what Spock was doing. He slide off the bed and joined him in the bathroom where the Vulcan was preparing a shower. Without a word, the doctor helped Spock to remove his bandages, they both climbed in, and allowed the hot water to run over them for a few minutes as they embraced, and finally Leonard spoke. 

“That was amazing.”

“I agree.”

“Is that what it’s always going to be like?”

“It would be logical to assume so.”

“Good.”

More silence. It was comfortable, as if they didn’t need to speak in order to communicate. After they were both sufficiently clean, they dried off and made their way back to the bed, climbing in and snuggling as close to one another as they could. Spock’s wounds were looking much better, and his temperature was cool against Leonard’s skin. He shut his eyes and hummed contently. He was the happiest he had been in a long time. Possibly happier than he’d been in his entire life. Through the bond he could feel how Spock was reacting to the situation as well. Exactly the same.


	14. Chapter 14

Life aboard the Enterprise was a lot brighter from then on out. This was for a few reasons. One, his personal life was much better off. Since he didn’t have to guess at Spock’s feelings for him (or _any_ of his feelings, for that matter) his confidence had sky-rocketed. Though his anxiety wasn’t gone completely, it was much lower, and that was greatly in part due to his never being alone. As soon as he felt the palpitations, increased heart rate, or any other telltale sign of an impending panic attack, Spock was right there with him, in his mind, reminding him to breath. His depression had improved as well, though the dark thoughts crept up every now and again. It really helped that he had someone to confide in and wasn’t alone. He knew that, had he not been bonded, when things got tough, he would have retreated back to his quarters and most-likely dealt with his problems in an unhealthy way. Now he was meditating, eating better, and living a healthier lifestyle with the help of his bond mate. 

And husband. After they bonded, the two approached Jim and asked if he would perform a Terran marriage ceremony for them. It was small, and only the senior staff was in attendance, but as the doctor had imagined, they stood up in front of witnesses dressed in their formal uniforms and Spock even gave him a chaste kiss in front of their audience. Jim had chuckled happily. 

The ceremony had been three weeks previous, just at the end of year two of the mission. Truthful feelings came out in the mess hall among the crewmembers in forms of whispers and comments that, thankfully, all seemed positive. “I knew you two were something,” Sulu mentioned to McCoy at the replicators at lunch one day. “I could tell by the way he looked at you. Maybe you’ll get him to loosen up a little, hey?” He left with a chuckle. 

“I think it’s wonderful that you and Mr. Spock are able to have a life together!” Uhura chimed in one day on the bridge. Spock’s ears perked from his science station. “It’s difficult to find love when you’re out here in space…” Leonard laughed and patted her on the shoulder.

Jim remained silent on the whole matter in public, but behind the scenes he seemed secretly happy. “You two couldn’t hide it from me,” he jibed in their quarters one night as he and the doctor sipped bourbon from tiny alien glasses. Spock sat nearby. “Well…maybe Spock could, but McCoy, you’re an old-fashion boy. You pine for your loved ones, there was no way you could have kept this one a secret.”

Spock looked to his husband for some reaction of annoyance, but his human features were graced with a smile. “I wasn’t trying to keep it one,” he said as he raised his glass. Perhaps the alcohol was going to his head. “No no, Jim, this is it. No going back now. And I couldn’t be happier.” He looked over at Spock and gave him a wink. Spock perked an eyebrow. 

“What do you think about all this, Mr. Spock? How are you taking to the changes? Is it difficult sharing your mind with such an emotional creature?” 

Spock considered this question for a second and felt a tiny bit of nervousness radiate from McCoy. “It is not difficult,” he said simply. “However, it is constantly interesting. I am learning much more about human nature.” 

Jim laughed. “Making any more sense of it?”

“Negative. Leonard is even more illogical now than before.” The other two men laughed together. Spock waited for them to quiet down and then continued. “Nevertheless, I am quite content.” 

Jim smiled. “Well…good. I think you two make a good match.” 

Leonard smiled at him. “Thanks, Jim.” 

The captain raised his glass. “A toast. To my two best friends and their new life together.” McCoy raised his glass as well. “Join us in a toast, Mr. Spock.”

“No, thank you, Captain. I believe Leonard is drinking enough for the both of us tonight.” 

“You better believe I am.” 

“A toast to your relationship and your health. 

“A toast!”

“Indeed.” 

Later that evening, Jim had staggered down the hall to his own quarters (accompanied by a very perplexed Vulcan) and Leonard had stripped out of his medical tunic and trousers and crawled into bed. Before Spock had even returned, he was out cold. 

The Vulcan entered the room, turning the lights on low and dropping the temperature a few degrees to make a more comfortable sleeping environment for his mate. He slid easily into bed beside the doctor who was sprawled out in the middle. With some maneuvering, he managed to insert himself so that Leonard was curled around him, using Spock’s shoulder and chest as a pillow. The Vulcan sighed and gently lifted the doctor’s arm to inspect the knife cut from so many months ago. His self-inflicted wound was only a faint scar now, a bad memory of the first night that Spock had cared for the man and decided that his life was not safe in his own hands. An illogical decision, to take on such a project and attach himself to such an emotional human being, but one he was glad he made. As his father had once told him -- what was right was not always logical. So he brought the tiny wrist to his face and pressed a kiss on top of the scar before tucking them both under the covers. Leonard grunted some sort of thanks and settled into sleep again quickly. 

“Good night, _sa-telsu_.”

“ _Run-tor-rom._ ”

Spock chuckled inwardly and closed his eyes, allowing his body, his mind, and the mind of his mate to relax and find peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Sa-telsu_ \-- husband.
> 
>  _Run-tor-rom_ \-- good dreaming.
> 
> \- - - 
> 
> Thank you all for reading my first fanfiction! If you have any questions, requests, or comments please feel free to leave a comment or to contact me!


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